LIVE WITHOUT REGRET

Well here we are doll, the (almost) end of what has been a turbulent, fast moving, fairly hectic year for most people. The world as we know it is changing moment by moment. Mother Nature is flexing her muscles and showing us all too clearly who rules!  Life is fragile, uncertain and changes forever in a heartbeat. My friend Karen knows that only too well. On a sunny Saturday morning in mid November while en-route to the shops with her husband, her life changed forever when another vehicle slammed into them at an intersection (other driver at fault), Karen taking the brunt of the impact. As I write this on the 30th December, she is still in hospital, not fully conscious and recovery is going to be a long, slow, painful process. Her shocked family are having to rethink the way they do things, adapt and adjust to not having their wife and mother around. Whenever I don't want to do something (exercise, do something that scares me) I think: If I cannot do it for me, I can at least do it for Karen. Because she can't. It has become my mantra "doing it for Karen". Hey, maybe that's the title of a book! Then a few days ago, was reading an article while at the hairdressers and someone who works with the terminally ill listed the 5 Major Regrets that the dying have. I think they are worth repeating here......

I Wish......

• I had the courage to live a life true to myself not the life others expect of me
• I didn't work so hard (without exception EVERY male patient had this regret)
• I had the courage to express my feelings
• I had stayed in touch with my friends
• I had let myself be happier

So, as we move into a year that promises to be even more challenging and exciting than this one (and no, I do not believe that the 'end of the world' is nigh), if you take these five simple yet profound regrets and set the intention to allow yourself to experience at least one of them, I think you will have an exceptional, joy-filled 2012. There is an old saying "this is not a dress rehearsal" - this is IT. The show. There is never going to be a right time to leave/commit/start/end. You have to just jump and KNOW that the net will appear. If not for yourself - then do it for Karen.

Happy happy new year to all - prepare for the ride of your life and I am right there with you!
Blessings to you.

JUST A THOUGHT

So I read a quote on my Facebook page today from the Dalai Lama and a sentence caught my eye "it is anger that is a sign of weakness". Now I have been thinking about this very thing for a while (it seems to come with age, this thinking, or "cogitating" as my husband calls it, about life because I seem to be doing it a lot lately!) There is SO much anger in the world right now. People ranting and raving and protesting and rioting, and just generally raging. Looking for any outlet for the anger they carry within. Now don't get me wrong, protesting for positive change is good, anger can be effective in getting people to take action (as evidenced by the tidal wave of support that sprung up for the 200-year old tree that TRAC wanted to cut down recently near Nelspruit to make way for a new road. So vociferous was the opposition that they agreed the tree could stay.) Apathy can be more dangerous than anger when you think about it. Yet I am reminded of the message in the film The Secret, that "what we focus on increases", "what we think about we bring about" and "energy flows where emotion goes". Mother Theresa saying "don't invite me to an anti-war rally, because all you will be focussing on is war. Invite me to a pro-peace rally and I am there".

Then I think (stay with me, doll, there is a purpose to this!) about things like the rhino poaching, Julius Malema, the corruption and any other number of other negative things going on in our world, and how very angry we get about them. I have to wonder - are we not increasing them because of the way we feel about them?? The more we focus on "fighting" the poachers, Julius, corrupt officials, are we not  in fact energising them?  If, as people like Gregg Braden, Wayne Dyer & John Demartini are constantly telling us, we create our reality with our thoughts, then are we not creating this? If we are all "One", from the same source, part of the same collective consciousness, then can we not, collectively, change what is going on in the world by changing our thoughts? Or is that just too powerful for us to even begin to comprehend? Just a thought......

I made the decision recently that I was no longer going to respond or react to hate emails (awful one about Muslims doing the rounds at the moment), scare emails (dodgy Census reps, Hijack Hotspots,) emotional emails (horrifying pics of slaughtered, brutalized animals) because I feel, personally, that I am simply adding fuel to the fire and I choose not to perpetuate it. I choose instead to see the good in the world, those people who are making a difference, who are working for a better, brighter future. Yes, I believe we can do it, we can tip the balance, because just as humans are capable of incredible depths of cruelty and brutality, we are also capable of the most amazing love, compassion, generosity and kindness - and THAT's what I choose to see in people. And quietly, in my own small way, hold those whose soul light seems to have dimmed, who have forgotten their own divinity, in the grace and the love of God. Because if we are all One, then what is in them must also be in me. Which I now need to go and think about.... :-) Stay Blessed.

TIME TIME TIME.....

My goodness, where does the time go? Is it really July since I "blogged". I have committed the cardinal sin (so say the experts) of not keeping my Blog up to date :-( The past 5 months have been something of a blur - so much to do, so little time!! Do you sometimes feel you want to reach out and just catch hold of time, the way you grab for the string of a balloon as it drifts through your fingers, to stop it? Time is like that - it stretches out in front of you, endless, eternal then in the blink of eye it telescopes into the tiniest bite. Life is unpredictable and, quite honestly, a bit crazy sometimes. We certainly live in interesting times! I love the Internet and all it offers us but sometimes it does feel like information overload. I am very blessed to work from home, a beautiful space indeed, and I am trying very hard to spend some time, even if it is just five or ten minutes a day, just looking at the garden. Am keen to do a silent retreat next year, time to stop putting off all those things that keep me grounded and centered! Why or why do they always end up at the back of my "to-do" list while I occupy myself with the unimportant "stuff". I yearn for simplicity and stillness and by Jove, I am going to get it!!!!! A dear friend who has survived two bouts with cancer and was recently declared cancer free, was involved in a serious car accident a few days ago and is now being kept sedated with bleeding on the brain and multiple fractures. Life is so precious, human existence so fragile, Live Life Now!

PRECIOUS PARENTS

My very best friend is currently dealing with losing her Mum. She lost her Dad to illness only last year. Some women, when they lose their life partner, create new lives for themselves. They go on to new and wonderful experiences. Sometimes they mourn the loss of their spouse/partner, sometimes they don't. Some remain frozen in time, living in a kind of limbo, seeing out their own days. Some women just never get used to being alone. They feel lost, lonely and there is a deep dark void in the heart that life just cannot fill. My friend's Mum is one of these women. Capable, wicked sense of humour, a no-nonsense approach to life, caring, dedicated to her job and family. Hates people to make a fuss of her or about her. My friend is now with her family, spending the last few days with her mother, who is slowly and consciously letting go of life, refusing treatment. These are going to be the most painful and the most joyous of days, hours and minutes as they say all the things they have never had the chance to say. I know there will be laughter and tears intermingled at the bitter sweetness of reliving memories; the love will be tangible, the depth and warmth of feeling will for a while hold them all in its loving embrace as they try and hold onto every nanosecond with the woman who brought them into the world. My friend describes the time as "surreal". Even with the understanding that while the physical body dies, the soul lives on, that Mum is exchanging one life for another, reunited with her beloved husband, that she has chosen this path, it does not stop the tears, the grief. And nor should it. We should never under-estimate the loss of a parent, our co-creator on earth. There is no going around, under or over something like this - it has to be faced head on and the feelings and emotions felt to the very depths of our being. What can a friend do at a time like this? Words are meaningless, you feel so helpless, wanting to carry some of their pain, lessen it, but of course you can't. There is no "fixing" this, making it better. You simply hold your friend in the deepest recesses of your own heart, you feel their pain and you carry it gladly. You weep with them and for them. You hold them and you comfort them and you let them know you are there for them. I salute my friend's Mum for her courage in steadfastly following her own path. So many will hold onto life, try and prolong it simply to please others, often suffering in the process. She isn't one of them. She has made a decision with her usual strength of character, brooking no arguments from anyone and these next few days will be spent saying her goodbyes to her children, their partners and grandchildren. So many don't get that gift - sometimes death comes shockingly and without warning. This whole experience has reminded me of the preciousness of our parents and even if you don't have a great relationship with them (or no relationship at all) let's face it, without them you would not even be here reading this! Bon Voyage Pat - be at peace.

CRY FOR MY BELOVED S A

This morning I was watching a news insert on the ANC Youth League on E News - their elections are coming up. Rewind to the 50s' when the Mandelas/Mbeksi/Sisulus and other young bloods of the ANCYL were passionate and commited to a cause - to liberate South Africa and create a free and fair democracy for all. They were imprisoned for their beliefs, tortured, separated from loved ones, fled their homeland and yet they never lost sight of the dream.  Fast forward to 2011 and we have the ilk of Julius Malema whose mouth unfortunately engages long before his brain does and who keeps separatism, fear and racism alive and kicking. We have images of the youth screaming into the cameras, demanding this that and the other, like they are entitled. Daily the media is filled with stories of corruption, greed, of self-serving politicians and civil servants misappropriating, misusing and misspending funds etc at all levels of our government while so many millions suffer. The scale of it sometimes takes your breath away. It has become like an enormous black hole that is simply sucking up the light of this beloved country of mine. I love this country. I am a "Seffrican" through and through. I'm a "braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies and Chevrolet" girl  - OK, maybe not the first two :-) I use phrases like Ag Shame, I want to kiss strangers in foreign countries if I hear them speak Afrikaans and I almost, but not quite, kiss the soil whenever I return home.  I don't want to live anywhere else. I believe in it, I know we can be great, I know the pendulum will swing the other way eventually. But sometimes it is challenging to remain positive when all I want to do is slap those arrogant, smug, self-centered individuals who care not one jot for those they are here to serve and are only interested in feathering their own nests. The word ACCOUNTABILITY just does not exist in our SA vocabulary. When I climb into my warm bed at night after enjoying a hot meal and I think of all those living in unspeakable conditions, desperate for some semblance of a normal life; whose daily existence is one of just trying to survive another day;  when I receive emails with "wishlists" from township schools needing basics like desks, stationery, chairs, when beggars greet me at almost every street corner, I want to weep. I also feel so GUILTY - the curse of "The Haves"? This morning, finally, I did. It was as though the pain and the hurt of this majestic, beautiful, dynamic, tragic country and it's rainbow nation hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried for my beloved country. Really cried.

But tears are healing and I shall pick myself up, wipe my face and carry on making a difference, one person at a time. Sometimes it is good just to acknowledge how you really feel and let it flow. Ja well no fine, the journey of life goes on. Africa, as they say, is not for sissies! Amandla!

LIFE VIEWED HORIZONTALLY

I hate being sick. I know that the times I get REALLY sick (like now) my body is sending me a very strong message. My fifth day in bed. But sometimes you just have to surrender to the reality of what is instead of raging against it. It seems I am not as healthy as I think I am, because this flu just ain't shifting. It has been a great exercise in patience and I have spent a lot of time lying, looking out the window watching the changing light as the hours pass. The vervet monkeys racing across the lawn for the trees, squabbling and playing, dogs snoozing in the winter sun. The four cats gravitate towards the bed, although I am sure that is more for the hot water bottle than it is for me. It is now that you really appreciate your health. When you don't have it. I try and imagine what it must be like to have a chronic, ongoing illness. When every day is a struggle against pain, when every movement is an effort, when you live with the fear that this vehicle that carries you through life may let you down and fail. My own illness seems to pale into comparison when I think of that. I am fascinated at the body's ability to produce mucus, it is never-ending. If I could produce money like this I would be a millionaire! 5 days in bed. I wonder where I would be if I had insisted on dragging myself around, as so many of us seem to do, sneezing and coughing over all and sundry, sighing and wheezing. What is it in us that makes us keep on going when the body is shouting out "STOP"! I learnt a long time ago not to ignore what my body wants. A lengthy illness like this means time to relook at the way I am living, where I am doing too much, what I need to let go of or change. Yup, life viewed horizontally for a while, when you are not in the mainstream flow of "doing" can be an interesting experience. You have time to think, sleep and "be" in the moment. There always is a reason for everything.

THE REBELLION OF WOMEN....

I smell rebellion in the air. Women are rebelling at the mundaneness of everyday life. At how their wildness and free spirits have been chained and curbed and lost under a deluge of "to-do" lists, grocery lists and evening meals (who did decide that we were put on this earth to cook and clean for others?) They yearn to be whisked away on a golden steed preferably by a golden boy who would feed them Belgian chocolate and pink Moet Chandon. He would declare how he adored them, would pander to their every whim and expect NOTHING in return (not even sex if they were not of the mind for it). However if he was golden and gorgeous perhaps some long distant memory would stir DOWN THERE - who knew! They would lie under cool palm trees watching an endless turquoise sea with soft white sand and cold exotic drinks (with pink umbrellas of course), dreaming their dreams and watching mermaids and dolphins play. When the mood takes them they would plunge into the cool blue waters and discover hidden worlds, where octopus wave from dark caves as they drift by. They would catch tides with turtles and the sun would be shining down through the water, shafts of silvery light dancing amongst the turquoise current; sparkles of light that catch the eye. Lazy whales wink as they float by, their song echoing through the ocean.
(I wrote this after several emails with a friend of mine, where we were bemoaning the fact that the daily routines of life, especially married life,  impinge on our desire to be fabulous and creative.)

SACRED SPACE

Every woman should have a special space in her home. No matter how tiny, she has to have it. No discussion. No "yes but". The end of a bookcase, a small round table. If she is really lucky, a whole room. Mine is an oak desk. We bought it years ago with our round dining room table. It's supposed to be my writing space (I kind of fancy myself as a writer) but over time, as I have accumulated more "stuff", space for writing grows less! You look at this table and you will have a sense of who I am. On the wall is the angel of Heaven & Earth that Sanna painted for me. Whirls of colour - delicate pinks, mauves, violets, deeper blues and greens, she sits perched on the world. I remember how envious I was of the angel painting she did for Alex. Bright explosions of fuschia and silver in hers. Funny how we are never satisfied. Then there are the photos of the Temple of the Inner Heart at Temenos in Macgregor that I had framed. How I loved that space sitting bathed in beautiful blue light. Underneath that the poster I made at the Artist's Way course - Treating Myself Like a Precious Object Will Make Me Strong. My silver coptic cross, a gift from Jan, I think it's from Ethiopia. Centre stage on the table is the large pewter Buddha Jeannette and the kids brought me back from Thailand. Around his neck is the cord from the spell we did for finding balance in life (hmm, the jury is still out on the success of that one ha ha!) as well as the Buddhist cords from Michael & Tamasine's wedding down in Robertson that were given to each guest. Various crystals and Ganesh sit around Buddha. There is Mother Mary rubbing shoulders with a glass angel, a Gandolf lookalike and the beautiful glass unicorn Pat gave me. A soap angel from Nan, the fairy Dephne, one of our staff, gave me for my birthday, the fairy Cleo gave me after the crystal workshop I did for Abby and her friends. Mosaic butterfly and mosaic heart with our photos in, both Abby's handiwork. My divine Fantasia doll Jo and Abby made for my 50th, complete with blue hair and purple cape! The little box filled with "treasures" from Earth Connections in Cornwall. The "wild woman" little circular pot Laina gave me when I became a Reiki Master. My bear shaped azurite crystal that actually sits up like a bear. My velvet bag of sacred objects from my days with the Aquarian Foundation & their logo picture. A little happy Buddha whose tummy is smooth from being rubbed. A clay angel I made and never got around to painting. The little box which holds all the little cards filled with messages from my 50th party, perfect to read through on bad hair days! A dragon, cystals, selenite balls. The two solid silver tea light holders John bought me, other assorted rocks I have collected over time. The mirror Tami made. All have some kind of significance or are connected to people and family I know and love. I won't even start on the journals, the books, notebools, crayons and paper that fill the drawers!

Yes every woman should have her own space. As I look at the fairy lounging in the aromatherapy candle holder, at Fantasia's blue hair and purple cloak decked with silver sequins, I see not a varied assortment of stuff - I see love and caring and gifts chosen with great care. I see memories and I remember good times and even though some of these things are cheap, their value to me is beyond money. They hold the intention of the giver, they hold memories of a life that has, until now, been surprisingly varied and full. The table has become a space when I can just be, a space that soothes the soul and quietens the mind. Life is a series of events and happenings, some fleeting, some you try and hold onto as long as you can, trying to grasp each of the strands as they float around you. But they leave and you are left with the memories and this odd assortment of items that, when you look at them, bring a stirring and a warmth to the heart. Looking at that table, which is so much more than a table, it is a tapestry of my life and I suddenly realise how colourful and varied it has been, how loved I have been and how loved I am. For a brief moment I soak up that feeling. I pause from the busyness of life and silently let my gaze touch on each treasured and special item. I feel comforted and content and very blessed. I am grateful for all the experiences of my life that have combined to bring me to this point. It is as if the world stops, holds it breath, while I appreciate all of this. It is so still, apart from the birdsong. Soon I need to get up and get on with life but now, just for this moment, I am at peace.

Yes, every woman should have a special space that is just for her. No matter how tiny, she has to have it.

FAMILY LIFE

Have just returned from visitng my Mum, sister and niece down in Hermanus. We spent a hilarious afternoon going through old photos and albums including Mum's wedding album.
You tend to forget that your parents were young and glamorous once, that they had a life outside
being your Mum and Dad. Dad looked so dashing with his slicked back hair and fancy suits. Mum was slim and trim and beautiful - life together lay before them filled with potential and opportunities. So different from the person I see today. My Mum seems to shrink every time I see her. My sister and I hosed ourselves at our teen pics and we both wondered why we ever thought we were fat! I remember when I was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. I absolutely hated my pale blue bridesmaid dress - I thought I looked like an elephant in it and could not wait to get it off. Now when I see this gorgeous, slender, dark haired beauty I could kick myself! Such a waste! I look at holidays of myself in a bikini, long dark hair, tanned, slim - hell, whose legs are those??? What a babe!! Sad that so many women spend so much of their youth criticising and hating their looks, starving themselves and loathing everything about their bodies. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

CREATING MY REALITY

My beautiful dog Bella, one of five that we own, sleeps inside these days due to a degenerative hip problem that worsens as she gets older. She is very good about waking me in the night when she needs to go outside for a pee, luckily usually only once in the night! Recently my hubby was away on business and I went out, getting home around 8.00pm. I noticed the dogs were acting a little weird. Not agitated or barking, but they kept looking in one direction and my one big male, Felix, kept sniffing around the steps. Living in the bush I assumed one or other wild animal had been visiting close to the house. When I went inside my cats were also acting a bit odd. When I fed them they kept staring towards the lounge as they ate, jumping if I made a sudden movement or noise. Again I checked around but could find nothing wrong. Shrugging it off I made my own dinner, watched TV (my one night where I can take control of the remote!) and then went to bed. When Bella woke me to let her out, instead of coming straight back in, she started barking. I called her in and we both went back to our beds. As I lay there, this thought came into my mind from nowhere. Attached to nothing. "You are the master manifestor. Create the space you want to live in." That was it. Nothing more. I lay there, thinking about my animals and their uneasiness. I consciously began to breathe in the peace, and the protection of the Creator and I sent that out into my home and property. I called on Archangel Michael and I could feel things beginning to settle. I went back to sleep.

The following morning when the staff arrived Dinah, my right hand woman and long term housekeeper came upstairs and asked me if I had seen the window in the lounge. The previous night we had an attempted break-in. The window had been forced open and the burglar bars broken off. That's what had spooked the animals. I must have disturbed them when I arrived home. I went upstairs and sat quietly, thinking back about the "message" I had received. Before I knew about the break-in and long after it had happened. Hubby and I both decided a long time ago not to suck in negativity or fear. But I realized that we also did not consciously create the reality we wanted to live in. It was almost like driving in neutral in a car, you can be pushed in either direction and you don't really have any control. By not consciously creating the space we wanted to inhabit, we were allowing this kind of thing into our lives. As I always do now, when these kind of situations happen I went to A Course in Miracles and randomly opened the Lessons. It was 255 - This Day I Choose to Spend in Perfect Peace. I was overwhelmed as the realization of the enormity of the gift I had been given, by whoever was here the night before, dawned on me. I was actually able to sit down and say "thank you" to whoever it was. And to the Creator who had shown me what needed fine-tuning. I was also so very grateful that I did not discover it the night before, because I know I would not have slept a wink!!

That's how our guidance comes sometimes. Quietly, in the dead of night, when you least expect it, with no fanfares or bells and whistles, just a tiny precious thought that reminds you of the magnificence of who you really are.

Di's Window on The World 27th April 2011

The Easter weekend has come and gone. How the days fly! As I write this thousands are heading home after time away although we have another long weekend coming up and then a bit of a drought in terms of days off. The Royal Wedding adds its own excitement to this week – only the Brits know how to do pomp and ceremony. I am an unashamed Royalist and I just love the build-up, the sense of history in the making, the ancient traditions and rituals that have endured, as well as all the glamour and glitz that Catherine Middleton will bring to the House of Windsor! What a gorgeous girl! So I am taking Friday off and will revel in the joy and happiness of the day – after all, don’t we secretly relish a good love story and especially with two such good looking young people? How can we not get caught up in the festivities of the day as the ceremony is beamed around the world and into our living rooms, restaurants, pubs?

This past Easter weekend I was poignantly reminded of the fragility of life and how quickly it can all change. During a lazy Saturday afternoon lunch with friends I received a frantic phone call from someone I know, only just met recently. Her elder brother had gone missing after a game of golf. Literally just disappeared into thin air. When he failed to open his business on Saturday morning, the family knew something was very wrong. I can only imagine how agonizing the next couple of days were as the search continued and they waited for news, ever hopeful. What should have been a happy, joyous Easter weekend family gathering was anything but. Finally, on Monday morning, I received an SMS stating simply that he had been found dead, murdered. Every day we read in the paper or hear on the news about people dying. It isn’t a new thing, it’s a part of life and unfortunately, in the world we live in, violent death has become commonplace. In fact I would go as far as to say we have in many ways become desensitized to it. But when it happens to someone you know, when you can feel their pain, their despair, their gut-wrenching grief, the reaction is visceral. It becomes real, not just another statistic.

As I wrote in my Journal on Monday night, I thought about the duality of this world we live in. At the end of this Easter weekend while many are celebrating, enjoying time off, relaxing, many are mourning – lives and families shattered because someone never made it home or has suffered serious, life-changing injury.  What’s worse, I wondered? Knowing, or not knowing. How endless that waiting must be, jumping with nerves at every phone call or message alert. Playing out possible scenarios in one’s head. Hoping. Praying. (Funny how most of us are quick to pray, even the most cynical, when something is outside of our control).

Death is, of course, a natural part of the cycle. We are born, we live, we die. Some sooner than others. Some shockingly and unexpectedly. I stopped writing for a moment and turned to look at my husband sleeping peacefully beside me (he has this knack of getting into bed and as his head hits the pillow he falls asleep. I wish!). As I watched him sleep, a feeling of incredible gratitude welled up inside me. Gratitude for being alive and having those I care for deeply alive too. Gratitude at an Easter weekend shared with family and friends. As I had felt my friend’s pain and grief, so now I felt a deep love and sense of gratitude wash over me. There are thousands of songs and poems and writings that urge us to live every day as if it was our last, appreciate what we have while we have it, stop sweating the small stuff....in fact it can become something of a cliché. But in that quiet moment late at night in my bedroom I really FELT it. I FELT the magnitude of the gift that is life. And you know what? If I cannot live my life for myself, I can certainly live it and embrace it and BE IN IT for all those who no longer have that privilege. Can you??

Stay blessed. Di